He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
