I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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