yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
