Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
