Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
