My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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