so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
