don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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