6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
