We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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