Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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