I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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