Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
