I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
