the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
