He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
