I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
