so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
