he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
