wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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