Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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