those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
