He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
