I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
