I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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