So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
