We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize