I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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