i was born a porn star she said
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
