So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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