I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
