so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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