Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
