Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
