life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
