My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
