tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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