Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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