Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
