i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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