Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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