Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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