So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
