Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This is my gift to your gina
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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