8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
