plz talk dirty to me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
