Don't make out with my wife yet
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
