I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize