today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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