ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
