if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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