Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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