god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
