I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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