I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
