youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my poor anus
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
