one two three fourrrrnication!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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