I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize