I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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