Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
