smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
only you would photoshop your dick
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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