My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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