my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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