So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
