The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
