i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
